It's another Tuesday evening - and I know that sounds a bit mundane but I'm actually happy knowing that 'another Tuesday evening' means that I get to relax tonight.

...Although it's really supposed to be the night I go to the dojo to practice kyudo (Japanese archery).
In fact, I have been telling myself that for the past month-and-a-half in which I have not attended nor practiced at least once. Frankly, I've been the worst kyudo student since I put kyudo on hiatus... and I feel absolutely guilty. If there's an emotion that I despise feeling, it's certainly guilt. (The other is regret, which thankfully in my life I barely have.)

Yes, I do have a whole plethora of excuses for why I haven't been attending lately (e.g., too tired; too far [30 minutes tram then walking]; too cold; too busy with lesson planning or Japanese language study for upcoming proficiency exam in July, etc. etc) - but the one thing that makes me feel most awful about not practicing is when I think of the head teacher (I call him 'sensei'), and the kindness and patience and time he had set aside to help me learn the basics of kyudo (particularly with my form).

Not to mention that this is Japan, and that to be part of any group or club or organization requires time, commitment, loyalty, and discipline to your fellow club members, and to the art itself.

I am really praying that I can learn such consistency. I really would love to continue learning the art of kyudo, to stay on as a student, especially if the kyudo sensei will continue to teach me and give me pointers, no matter how difficult his Japanese, no matter how clumsy I am as a student.

Kyudo is such an interesting and elegant martial art, with an equally fascinating philosophy of emptying your mind and letting go in order to reach perfection. In other words, hitting your target is not as important as the way you hit it. Your form, your skill in handling your bow and arrow play the most significant part. I think it even involves how much peace and tranquility you can reach throughout the whole process.

I have not reached that peace and tranquility yet. I have not yet learned to let go. I am still so busy thinking about the steps - thinking about which foot goes first; which hand grasps the arrow; how I'm supposed to lay my fingers on the bow; which finger pulls on the string; the steady burn of my arm muscles as I pull the bow string back; how long do I pause after I let the arrow fly; when do I bow to signal its completion. And of course that's normal, as a beginner, to focus on form before style.

But I have to say that I think I may have let my greatest weakness - impatience - get to me again during the times I have practiced.
Although I was allowed to use a bow, the sensei had not yet given me leave to practice with arrows. Although kyudo is a beautiful art, it is also a dangerous one, all the same. (I have heard that in kyudo tournaments every year, someone [usually a spectator] always dies from a freak accident involving badly-misplaced arrows.) So it makes all the sense in the world for teachers to want to make certain that their students are adept at form and visualization and handling the bow first, before anything else.

Yet still, no matter how many times I'd tell myself it wasn't a race, I'd look at my friends in full kyudo costume with gloves and arrows specially made for serious practice and feel such growing, rather gnawing, impatience - and enough of it, too, to distract me from my attempts to humbly learn this art form dating back to at least the 12th-century, and which has techniques that even kyudo masters are still perfecting.

And it's this dear yet rather underrated friend called 'Humble' that I know I have to come with if I want to take up kyudo again. Because honestly I'm scared about how the sensei will view me, trudging back into his dojo, never having even proved my commitment, and who's to say I won't disappear again after a few visits and some borrowed time?
I really want to prove to myself, first and foremost, that I can be consistent, that I can learn, and learn properly at that.

And if it takes months for me to get my arrows, then I want to still come every week to learn and re-learn what to the onlooker might be the same motions over and over again, a 'wax on, wax off' kind thing, miming, drawing pictures in the air. But I want to step outside of my circle and just let myself learn, and realize that the process itself is the goal, what I've been looking for, all along.

Wow, I had no idea I would write this much about kyudo. But it sure feels good getting this out, especially before I go back on Tuesday next week.
I would go back this Friday but I am leaving for Kyoto on the night bus!
So lots of stuff to look forward to. In other words, lots of life to live.

Also, thank you to those who commented on my last post. I'm glad that you found something to take away from it. That's more than I really hoped for.
I really didn't expect to get any attention for it but thank you, all the same.
I'll post pictures of my cherry blossom trip to the ancient capital next week, for sure.

i decided to take a break from kyudo tonight, to relax. i need the break, even if kyudo does help me relax whenever i practice. but as for excuses, i stayed up pretty late gym-ing it last night with Miho, a good Japanese friend, and after school today i just didn't have the energy to rush back home, eat, change, then rush back out to catch my tram for a 30-minute trip to the dojo.

today i had four classes at one of my junior high schools (including English club, which I personally consider to be a class since a rather extraordinary number of about 15 people show up on a regular basis to this club).
we played JENGA and the boys actually behaved themselves, at least compared to previous English club meetings. i'm hoping they keep up their (relatively) good behavior, and maybe then i won't dread English club so much anymore. because a lot of the time the JTE (Japanese teacher of English) in charge usually leaves me alone.

and i HATE the idea of disciplining. first of all because it's simply not in my contract/ i'm not expected to, nor am i not properly trained whatsoever, but also because it's already hard enough talking to 'cool' Japanese junior high school students in English without having to discipline them in (my rather stumbling) Japanese.

anyway. so this will also be another random blog entry. no particular theme or anything.
i also noticed that my last blog entry is filled with typos, and i knew there would be when i posted it. well, there is some charm to typos in certain cases, i think.

there are times when i fall into a certain level of depression, particularly when i feel useless and powerless and insignificant in the world, even though i'm overwhelmed and my heart is all broken up over the stuff i read in the news or in activism websites like change.org or Amnesty International. i feel i can't move sometimes. there are so many issues in the world, such as with the environment, human welfare, animal welfare, etc, so many existing causes needing my attention, and it's depressing how the only thing i feel i could do most of the time is to submit a flimsy online 'signature.'

but recently, i re-visted globalvolunteernetwork.org, the website of, as its name implies, an organization with volunteering opportunities around the world. it's a legitimate organization because a friend from New Zealand volunteered in Kenya through them, and had good things to say. they also happen to be based in New Zealand's capital city, Wellington, which i had the good fortune of living and working in for a few years.
anyway, i found a few more programs that i think i'd like to join through them.
i already plan to go to Nepal sometime after Japan to teach English for at least a month-and-a-half. but i also found two programs in Thailand, where i can volunteer in a wildlife rescue center or in an elephant refuge and education center. i love animals, so hearing about these opportunities really lifted up my spirits.
and the other programs that interested me are based in the Philippines in a province called Romblon (south of Luzon), where i could get the chance to work in a children's daycare center tutoring and bonding with 3 to 5-year-old children, and also in a public school teaching one or more subjects like English, maths, science, basic computer skills, etc.

so now i'm not feeling so down. in fact, i feel happier and motivated again. even inspired. after all, i did pray and ask God to give me direction since getting all intensely depressed over world issues must mean something, i think.

i remember a part of a speech i read recently by actress Anne Hathaway on gay rights: 'There are people who have said that I’m being brave for being openly supportive of gay marriage, gay adoption, basically of gay rights. But with all due respect I humbly dissent, I’m not being brave, I’m being a decent human being.'
And i feel the same way with being an activist. or, even if you're not one, just merely giving a damn. And once in a while taking the time to think about what makes our hearts break, or what makes us get mad at God. 'cause i don't think God minds if we're mad at him, screaming at him, wanting to throw punches even, in frustration, in rage and in heartbreak, because these emotions can be beautiful if in the end it can make us cry really hard, then think really hard, makes us step out of the circle, then wake up in the morning all humbled and broken and all the more inspired.

Because i'm asking God, i really want to step out of this circle.
i'm aware that some people might think that because i'm in Japan teaching English and trying out all sorts of cultural stuff like kyudo and tea ceremony and onigiri rice balls, i should already consider myself as 'having arrived,' or reached a level of contentment and self-fulfillment with the idea that i have contributed to the world.
and i do feel that i am contributing in some small yet significant way, when i strike up conversations (albeit short) with my giggling students in either Japanese or English, or share stories about where I live or my own perspectives with Japanese friends, or sharing English grammar tidbits with my coworkers, or even merely sitting on the commuter tram sometimes getting stared at. i think all this is valuable in some way, even if i don't realize it all the time.

but there's this restlessness that i always feel, and one which i think will never go away. it's this restlessness that always keeps me asking myself if i've managed to step out of the circle, and if i  (think i) have, can i just try and step out a little bit more this time. and then a little bit more again. then again.

anyway, i'm tired now, and there are some things i still need to organize for tomorrow's elementary school visit.

'now that i have seen, i am responsible.'

-Brooke Fraser

Just thought I'd do a quick update before I start my day of productive apartment-cleaning.

I'm leaving for Tokyo tomorrow morning and staying there for about five days. And it always feels nice to come back to a clean place after traveling.

I'm excited about going to Tokyo naturally but I'm feeling almost too overeager to go since I haven't stepped foot out of Kochi prefecture since January.

After Tokyo I'm headed off to Tokushima City in Tokushima Prefecture to see the Awa Odori festival, staying there for a whole day, then training it to Takamatsu in Kagawa prefecture to sleep and sightsee the next day.

Yes, I will finally get myself to take some pictures; I'm that excited.

Next month I plan to visit Nagasaki for three days, and the month after that (in October) I plan to head to the ancient and first captal city of Japan- Nara - for my 27th birthday weekend.

Yes I know this sounds like a lot of traveling but it's relatively easy to get around the country when you live in the southern half of Japan. Even though they're beautiful, I'm glad that I wasn't posted in Okinawa or Hokkaido since traveling to other places in Japan from there would cost an arm and a leg.

Now that I mention it domestic travel in Japan usually costs more than traveling to Seoul or Beijing or any other Southeast Asian city. But it certainly helps to be getting paid your salary in yen, which is strong at the moment (or last I heard in this rollercoaster American economy).

I had to scrap my plans on dancing in the Yosakoi festival this year since the Yosakoi festival week (next week) is the only time Ricky has vacation, and we both wanted to travel together.
But this awful summer heat and humidity is making me feel a little glad that I'm postponing the dancing until next year. I hope by then I'll not only be physically but mentally ready.

Another plan that I also have to postpone is climbing Mount Fuji. I was keen on joining a fellow ALT friend on his second trip conquering the tallest and most famous mountain in Japan. It would have been nice to join but I've been scheduled to do two sessions of summer school with some of my junior high students during that week.

Also, I plan on taking the Japanese Proficiency Language Test (JPLT) at the end of this year. It's administered two times a year, in July and December. I've been studying Japanese for almost two years now and can read and write the hiragana and katakana script as well as read more or less eighty kanji (Chinese characters). The lowest level is N5, the highest N1. I'm planning to try my luck with Level N4.

It's always nice to have another language under your belt, and a certificate to help remind you of that, which is why I'm eager to take the JPLT. Eventually I plan to take N3 (maybe even N2) before I leave Japan, and attempt to conquer N1 when I'm back in America.

Definitely a challenge to look forward to.

Anyway, off to experience the wonders of what's underneath my kitchen sink! :D